Current mood:	exhausted
Entry tags:	deathly hallows uberwank, potter

Deathly Hallows uberwank: Chapter 30, The Sacking of Severus Snape
I can explain the delay on this in a single word: "essay".


So, at the end of the last chapter, woman-Carrow summoned Lord Voldemort by pressing her dark mark. By this stage I am so not bothered. Summon Voldemort, see if I care. He's pretty much the lamest villain ever. I could probably have him in a fight - a swift knee to the nutsack should sort him out. You want me to worry, try summoning one of the following, who are actually badass:

• Darth Vader
  
• Ganondorf
  
• Christopher Lee in almost any role he ever played
  
• Jeremy Paxman
  
• An army of clowns
  
• The one in Girls Aloud who got done for assault
  
• Actually, Neville Longbottom, now I think of it

Anyway, back to the action - such as it is - of the chapter. We're in the Ravenclaw common room, and Luna right away stuns woman-Carrow. Then she and Harry go back to hiding under the cloaking device. Ravenclaw kiddies start appearing in the common room, stirred from their beds by the noise, and in a scene taken directly from Roald Dahl's Matilda, one of them kicks the unconscious Carrow in the arse. On the other side of the door, man-Carrow argues with the door to be let in, but is too stupid to know the answer. Then our old pal Minerva McGonagall shows up and, under his orders, answers correctly. I say correctly, but that's an assumption, based on the fact that the door opens. Really, as in the previous chapter, it's a meaningless question and it receives a meaningless answer. So it seems like the true Ravenclaw quality is not so much wit and intelligence as it is being a bit mystical and spouting crap. We've just seen McGonagall get through the door by answering what appears to be a basic element of her academic speciality, but in a sort of faux-spiritual hippy-dippy way.

So there's that thing, isn't there, where characters in fiction can only be as clever as the author who created them. For example, in Dan Brown's books - the Da Vinci Code and all that bollocks - we are constantly told that the main character is really clever and is a Harvard professor (of "symbology", which we are led to believe is this massively complicated art/science crossover discipline, but is actually very, very basic art history with a pinch of semiotics), but nevertheless the guy spends seven or eight chapters at a go not realising that something is a mirror image. That happens more than once, too. And the point is, it's all very well saying that Ravenclaws are really clever, but we need some evidence too. Frankly, I'd be much more impressed if, in order to enter their common room, the Ravenclaws were required to - say - solve a quadratic equation, translate a passage of Aramaic into Esperanto, or produce antimatter before they could go inside. Or at very least, they should be required to solve a problem using logic and lateral thinking. (Obviously, allowances would be made depending on age and experience; the first-years could do some colouring-in or something instead.)

I'm not saying JKR isn't clever. In fact, I often find myself impressed at how articulate and intelligent and all-round sound she comes across in interviews and so on (although I should point out, not every interview; I just as often find myself *headdesk*ing). It's just that... well, I get the impression she hasn't ever fully decided what the rules of her fictional world are, and rather than simply admit that, she tries to get around it by putting in hippy-dippy bullshit about how circles have no beginning and transfigured objects disappear into nothing, which is the same as everything, which makes no sense.

Man, I'm tired.

So, yeah, McGonagall and man-Carrow come inside, and argue for a bit over woman-Carrow, still unconscious on the floor. Man-Carrow flips out, as he knows Voldemort has been summoned but Potter is not there, and McGonagall sasses him, pointing out that Harry Potter is a motherfuckin' Gryffindor, thank you, there is no way he'd be trying to get into Ravenclaw. There is rather a lot of underlining of the point that Voldemort told the Carrows that Harry might try to get into Ravenclaw, so we have confirmation that the horcrux is a Ravenclaw relic - but wait, hang on. Voldemort knows the diadem is in the room of requirement, doesn't he? So why would he be so worried about Harry getting into the Ravenclaw common room? Unless this is just about Voldemort getting to Harry so he can kill him, but if that's the case then this doesn't confirm anything really, except that Voldemort understands Harry very well. Ugh, whatever.

Man-Carrow continues to babble angrily, eventually declaring that if Voldemort shows up and is pissed off at the apparent false alarm, they can just blame it on the kids, or else they can order the destruction of the planet Alderaan - either way, something that shows what a massive evil bastard he and his fellows are. McGonagall refuses to allow this; he argues that she doesn't get to decide what is allowed and what isn't, and just in case you were in any doubt about how much of a bastard he is, he spits in her face. This is the final straw for Harry and his CAPSLOCK OF DOOM, so he tears off the cloak and tries to say something badass, only he's pretty stupid so what comes out is "You shouldn't have done that", and he hits the dude up with a Cruciatus curse:

The death eater was lifted off his feet. He writhed through the air like a drowning man, thrashing and howling in pain, and then, with a crunch and a shattering of glass, he smashed into the front of a bookcase and crumpled, insensible, to the floor.

- UK edition, p477

Now, in only a few hours' time Harry will sacrifice himself in a big old messiah gesture. And when that happens, I will argue that this big messiah gesture would have more gravitas if Harry hadn't tortured an unsuspecting opponent here. Just a thought.

Professor McGonagall disagrees with me, and even says that Harry is gallant, if a bit stupid, and she urges him to

PRINCESS LEIA: Run away, far away. If he can feel your presence, then leave this place.

- Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi

... but Harry isn't down with this shit. He knows that he must find this bloody tiara or the rest of his outfit will just look really stupid Voldemort will win or something. Just then, man-Carrow starts to come around from that torture curse Harry just hit him with, so McGonagall demonstrates exactly why she thought said torture curse was "gallant" and puts the imperius curse on him, making him hand over his wand and then lie on the floor next to woman-Carrow, so that they can both be tied up. Yeah, yeah, I know they are bastards too, but I admit to feeling a little... unsettled by how nonchanantly McGonagall does that.

They talk things over for a while, and it is decided that the students will be evacuated via the Hog's Head pub; Harry isn't worried about them, since Voldemort will be way too interested in what's happening at the school to notice hundreds of students going to the pub in the middle of the night. Dude, I wish I'd gone to school at Hogwarts, if that's the level of control that is exercised over the kids. McGonagall ties the Carrows up in a net hanging from the ceiling and they leave the common room, Harry and Luna back under the cloak, somehow, even though they are adults and it's a cloak - but as has been previously discussed, the cloak is a Mary Sue. McGonagall summons the other heads of houses using three cat patronuses - which I think is a) the first time we get on-page confirmation that your patronus is the same as your animagus form, if that is the case, although maybe McGonagall just really likes cats; and b) the first time we see one person produce more than one patronus at a time.

They are apprehended on their way downstairs, though, by a duel challenge from none other than Professor Snape! (Hi, Snape! Just FYI, you're going to die soon.) I was about to get all excited because this is the first time he's in the book, but of course he was in chapter 1 and the chapter with the Potter clones and he's been stalking Harry and sending radioactive woodland creatures to tempt him into ponds all year, so I guess he's been here all along. In our hearts.

But anyway. There is a little banter/flirting between Snape and McGonagall, mainly concerning where the Carrows are and if Harry Potter has turned up to school (because, frankly, if he has, he's very late) and then a duel occurs, involving ropes of fire that turn into snakes and stuff like that. It's pretty cool. They seem to be more or less equally matched, so the fight continues back-and-forth until your old HP chums, Professors Flitwick and Sprout, show up. Behind them comes Slughorn who is some dude who was in the last book and is fat and stuff like that. I bet McGonagall's heart sinks when she sees them because they are all such massive nerds. I mean, she summoned them and all, but they start trying to help with the fight and I bet she's like, "Guys, you're embarrassing me". Maybe.

The fight finishes in a slightly less badass and more amusing way, when Snape simply runs away down a corridor before - this is the best bit - jumping out of a window and flying off into the distance like a ROFLcopter. He leaves a "Snape-shaped hole" in the window, which I rather like. This business concluded, McGonagall gives the other teachers a summary, which is basically, Voldemort is like coming and stuff. Flitwick and Sprout both gasp, but Slughorn "lets out a low groan", which strikes me as vaguely amusing because it implies his reaction is not "SHIT SHIT SHIT" but "dude, not this again". They agree to meet in the great hall, evacuate the students, and then start kicking some ass. Professor Sprout runs off to wake the Hufflepuffs, babbling to herself about all the hilarious cartoon plants that she will use to keep Voldemort and his death eaters out of the school. So, yeah, I guess a tentacula and some devil's snare might be useful for making the bad guys trip over and therefore graze their knees or lose face, possibly even both, but if you really want to stop the death eaters killing everyone... wouldn't something horribly poisonous be the way to go? If only it were daylight... I can imagine Giant Hogweeds being particularly useful, but, of course, they need the sun to photosensitize their venom. Surely Hogwarts would have Hogweeds in its grounds? Right?

Um.

So yeah, then Harry asks Flitwick if he happens to know where the lost diadem of Ravenclaw is, and Flitwick is all like, well, it's lost, dumbass. Harry panics, because if it isn't the diadem then what is it? You know, it's lucky that it is the diadem in the end, because given how stupid Harry can be, if it wasn't the diadem he'd be totally fucked.

Now it's Slughorn's turn to sum up his house in a single gesture (you knows it - McGonagall has just been Gryffindor-style "brave", i.e. thrown curses around; Sprout has run off to do a whole bunch of work, whether or not it is helpful; and Flitwick has pwned Harry with his superior intellect, although that's not difficult when your opponent is Harry). Slughorn basically chickens out and makes noises about how maybe if they all just go and eat some sweets and don't think about it, it'll all blow over. McGonagall pretty much threatens to kill him if he or any of the Slytherins try and get in the way of the rebellion. He fucks off, muttering, "At least I have chicken" under his breath as he goes.

Next minor character we haven't heard from yet in this book but I suppose he'd better make an appearance because otherwise someone, somewhere, will make a fuss is... Filch. Oh good. He provides some unfunny comic relief by shouting about how the students are out of bed. McGonagall pwns him and tells him to find Peeves, and my heart sinks slightly, in an "oh shit, Peeves is going to be in the book soon" kind of way. Then Filch, in his turn, fucks off.

Next, in the knowledge that the death eaters will probably be throwing avada kedavra curses left, right and centre, McGonagall... makes a bunch of statues and suits of armour come to life. Presumably she is relying on simply freaking out the death eaters who will be all like, "FUCK FUCK THE SUITS OF ARMOUR ARE ALIVE THAT'S WRONG" and will then run away. Or I guess maybe the suits of armour are like robots, only they don't have lasers and aren't really as badass as robots but the wizarding world I guess doesn't do robots.

Robots are cool.

OK, so after this Harry and Luna head back to the room of requirement; on the way, the students who are planning to GTFO point at him and go on about how IT'S POTTER LOL because they are kind of stupid. Of course it's Potter, who else do you know who actually emits the song "Eye of the Tiger"? Once back at the room, Harry mouthbreathes in surprise as he gazes upon the assembled crowds. Even more of our favourite HP characters have shown up - if Harry Potter ever gets made into a musical, this will be the big ensemble number that uses elements from other songs with all different parts of the chorus singing over each other. There's Lupin, slightly crosseyed and swigging from a hipflask (Hi Remus! Just FYI, you're going to die soon); here's Oliver "I got" Wood; here are a bunch of other people; oh good, here are the Moron Brothers Weasley twins (Hi, Fred!); it goes on. Harry gives them all a debriefing - he explains that "We're fighting" which, despite the snark, makes me go all shivery, which is because I am a complete pinko and I can totally imagine them singing "the red flag" as they march on to battle. As the crowds head for the great hall, Luna and Dean join hands, and I am pleased that I spotted that because after this book came out, there was a certain level of squeeing over Luna/Dean as a pairing and I had no memory of this bit at all and I could not for the life of me figure out where it was, and there it is. (I'm fairly neutral on Luna/Dean, for what it's worth, although I like them both as characters and they seem like nice people and I can see it happening, they seem to get on - which is presumably why JKR announced in an interview that Luna ended up marrying some guy named Rolf, and Dean wound up with Mon Mothma, which, frankly, I don't think anyone saw coming.)

So, most of the chorus assembled impromptu army heads down to the great hall for the big medley number war counsel, leaving behind a small group of soloists main characters. Ginny is kicking off, because she is underage and therefore should be evacuated, but she wants to stay and fight. I guess it's an admirable stance, and later she does actually do some fighting - and she manages to survive the battle, which I suppose shows that she can kick ass, even if we don't see it. This, by the way, is me trying to be fair and not let the fact that I don't think Ginny was written well colour everything I say about her. And she does survive, which Remus Lupin, former DADA teacher, doesn't (although he probably died of liver failure given all the whiskey he's imbibed over the last year or so). I really am trying to be fair about Ginny, because it's not her fault she is badly written. But the problem is, I guess, that with the way she is at this stage, the only way I can make myself like her is to remind myself that it's not her fault she's badly written.

So, Ginny is kicking off about not being allowed to fight. Molly says no, Bill backs Molly up, and - this is the part that I think is really significant - she appeals to Harry, who says no. He refuses her permission to fight. I think it's interesting to compare this Ginny with Ginny during the climactic chapters of OotP; there, Harry tells her (and Neville and Luna) that they can't come, and when he says she's too young, she tells him outright that she is coming and that she is older than he was when he did half the shit he's done. She doesn't leave him with a choice and she certainly doesn't work on the assumption she needs his permission. Here, by contrast, we see her arguing with her mum and then appealing to Harry for his permission, which he refuses to give. That just makes me think of a kid who asks Mum for something and gets a no, and therefore goes and asks Dad instead. (It's not just kids, of course; an annoyingly high number of customers at work will ask one of the librarians for something completely fucking outrageous, like "Will you do my project for me?" or "Can I take one of these computers home?" and then, upon getting a no, will come and ask me.)

My point is, this is a crucial moment for defining Harry/Ginny (who, according to JKR, are "soulmates", remember; I don't think it's unfair to say that she considers their relationship to be more or less ideal). It sheds an awful lot of light on the dynamic of their relationship. And it's especially frustrating when we look at how she was back in those chapters of OotP, where, OK, it was still all about the bat-bogey hex (FOR FUCK'S SAKE) and her being feisty, but at least she had the bollocks to do stuff.

Anyway, just as Ginny is about to stomp off to be evacuated, there is a commotion, and someone falls into the room from the Hog's Head passage. He's familiar, and instantly recognisable by the horn-rimmed glasses he wears. You know, originally, I had a whole sequence written where this was that guy from Heroes who wears horn-rimmed glasses, and he'd brought a bunch of other characters and due to the power of crossovers there were characters from other series there as well, only it wasn't funny, and if there is one rule underpinning the Uberwank it is the rule of funny. Also, when I had that idea Heroes was on TV here and I was all like WOH HEROES IS FUCKING AMAZING and the series ended before Christmas and it's now March and honestly, my current mini-fandom is no longer Heroes, as good as it was. Look, it's Percy Weasley, all right. Sigh.

Woh, though! Awkward moment for the Weasley clan. Fleur attempts to lessen the tension by enquiring about that one baby that Remus somehow managed to produce; through the fog of even more of the Jack Daniel's of which he has become so fond, he starts bellowing at her. Fleur grabs his hipflask from him and takes a giant chug and joins him in shouting. He passes around a photo of little Ruxpin. We get a description, but frankly, given that this kid = 1980s toy-influenced name + ability to turn bright colours + werewolf heritage, I can't imagine him as looking like anything other than this:



Percy, who I guess is also drunk, bellows even louder that he was a dickhead and a moron and all the rest, and Fred just agrees with him and even insults him. Percy, who in his private life is a sub (as in submissive, not submarine roll - that would just be stupid), takes it all and more. This is good enough for Fred, who glomps him; Molly pushes Fred off and practically mates with Percy in her happiness. Actually, there's a thing: Molly doesn't burst into tears and start hugging Percy until Fred has accepted Percy's self-flagellation and offered a handshake. It's like Fred is some kind of Weasley family ambassador. I wonder if he seized that position, or was elected to it? Because I wouldn't have voted for him, 'mjust saying.

Uh, so that's pretty much the end of the chapter. Only other plot points of note are a) that Ginny is allowed to stay in the room of requirement and b) that Ron and Hermione have GTFOed to "a bathroom", which as we will soon discover is the bathroom where lies the entrance to the chamber of secrets, which I will duly fanwank over when they get back.

And finally, the chapter ends on another convenient Voldevision update; Voldemort is outside the school gates! Shiiiiiiiit! What lessens his impact slightly, though, is the fact that he is wearing Nagini draped around his shoulders and, presumably, singing that song by Britney Spears where she is wearing a snake in the video. I thought it was "I'm a Slave For You", but I've just watched it on Youtube and there's not a snake in sight. Either way, Britney and Voldemort have never been seen in the same room together, and both have been bald, so clearly there's something weird going on here.



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