Half-Blood Prince Uberwank: Chapter 7, The Slug Club

He's thought about it for a long long time
About being attracted to his own kind
He's finally facing what it means
When another boy causes a lump in your jeans
Taking the plunge, going down for love
He's joining the cocksucker club

- Pansy Division, "Cocksucker Club"

Warnings for this chapter: explicit m/m slash including, um. Dubious consent. It's all hypothetical, though, so I shouldn't worry about it. :-/



Alright, so. Chapter begins with an entire paragraph detailing how a) Harry is obsessed with Malfoy and b) Ron and Hermione stop being interested in this after the 37th time Harry brings it up. In fact, the text says they get bored of talking about it after "a few days". I feel I hardly need to comment here, except to say that, possibly, by the time we get that line in about chapter 19 about Harry becoming obsessed with Malfoy, the point has already been made many times over.

Anyway, Ron's only suggestion is that something is wrong with the "hand of glory", a sinister object that's been neatly retconned into Draco's possession. (Doesn't "hand of glory" sound like something vaguely seedy that might happen in a public toilet? Or at very least the name of a fairly specialised type of pornography. Later in this chapter, Ron will buy a cream pie from the trolley, Hermione will complain that the ministry's methods are "barely legal", Lavender and Parvati will be forced to drink from a single cup, and Hogwarts' first tryouts for the amateur teen cheerleading squad will be announced. Oh, and Ginny will do some bukkake, but there's no double entendre involved there, she really does lie on the floor and get spunked on. In case any lawyers for Ms Rowling are reading, this bit is an hilarious joke. Actually that goes for this entire instalment. It goes for virtually everything on my journal, OK? Now stop reading this and go and practice some law or something.) Anyway, so they talk around this topic for what is implied to be the billionth time (and, I must say, kudos to JKR for not showing every one of those conversations) before Harry hits on the brilliant notion that perhaps Draco has become a death eater. This nicely illustrates how stupid Harry really is; they've been talking about this for days and he's obsessed and it's taken him this long to come up with this hypothesis.

This concluded, Harry heads downstairs, on the way meeting Ginny, who makes a snide remark about Fleur. He smiles at Ginny and makes a snide anti-Fleur comment in return, so I guess they are like soulmates or some shit. In the kitchen, Fleur is committing the mortal sin of telling her future mother-in-law about her wedding plans. We learn that a) she is including Ginny as a bridesmaid, alongside her sister and b) she plans to dress them in a colour that will flatter Ginny's colouring, rather than one that will clash with her hair. This all proves what a total bitch Fleur is, amirite? In contrast to her disgusting behaviour, Harry hands over his dirty clothes to Molly for her to wash, which is of course totally reasonable, especially given that they are going back to school tomorrow. They also exchange a few words about how Tonks is fugly these days, but these go nowhere, so I will refrain from discussing this in any more detail.

Anyway, the next day they head to the station; on the way, Ginny deliberately trips Ron as he goes to say goodbye to Fleur. Wow, Ginny is such a speshul snowflake! She's so badass! And so feisty! And stuff! Like Avril Lavigne when she sang all those songs about how it's totes cool to steal other people's boyfriends and shit like that! (FFS.) Yeah, so they spend a couple of pages after that going to King's Cross, accompanied by a couple of aurors who are repeatedly, and annoyingly, described as "grim-faced". Nothing much of interest occurs here until, just before they get on the train, Harry drags Arthur off to one side to share with him his theory about Draco Malfoy and how he's, IDK, a death eater or something, I wasn't really paying attention. Arthur just looks perplexed as he listens to Harry, then a look of understanding passes over his face and he says, "Look, Harry, if you really like this boy, maybe you should just consider asking him out? I know it can be nerve-wracking, but in the long run..." but Harry is all like, "No no, it's not like that at all, I think he's a death eater" and blah blah blah and basically Arthur, like everyone else in the book, virtually, doesn't believe Harry when he says he thinks Draco is a death eater, which is stupid because for all that Harry is a total dickweed, he is right, isn't he? More or less. That's one of my biggest criticisms of this book as a whole, now I think of it: we find out very early on that Draco is up to something nefarious, and Harry suspects he is and has no proof, and then we spend most of the book waiting for other people to catch on, or for Harry to find proof, so there's very little mystery for the reader, and the book has this overall tone of waiting for something to happen. And it doesn't make it interesting to read, or to write about.

Ugh. OK, so they get on the train. Harry asks Ginny if she wants to sit with him, and she says no and pisses off, and Harry feels the first twitches of what will soon be revealed as a monster in his pants chest. As she leaves, her hair "dances" behind her. Now, I recall a lot of people mocking that for the vision it conjures of hair wearing tap shoes or something, and that's a good point, but I don't think we even need to mock it on that level when it's so crappy at face value. If you have long hair, I want you to try something - walk across the room and make your hair "dance" behind you as you go. I'm guessing you need to be waving your head around quite a lot to do that, skipping along like you're Marcia Brady in a fucking shampoo advert. Or it might just do it if you were running quite fast, I suppose. (For the record, my hair is quite short, but I have been making my hoary goth of a boyfriend stalk about the place as perkily as a hoary goth can, and I am right, therefore it are fact, proven by science.)

The situation is improved shortly by the arrival of Neville and Luna.



... Well, I assume they are Neville and Luna; the text only gives us that they are a round-faced boy and a girl with long hair and misty eyes. So they could just as easily be, perhaps, the Milky Bar Kid and Cristina Scabbia from Lacuna Coil. Luna, if that's who it is, is reading The Quibbler, which is a sort of wizarding equivalent to the Weekly World News. You might be interested to know, by the way, that in the German translations the Quibbler is called the Klitterer.

These three find a compartment together and exchange pleasantries. Their fellow students are staring at them, and Harry mentions that this is probably because of what happened at the Ministry at the end of the last book. This is such a tiny, yet glaring, thing: he refers to this as "our little adventure". JKR can tell me as many times as she likes that Harry is sad about Sirius's death or whatever, but she's just shown me that he couldn't give half a fuck.

Sigh. So, what other news? Well, Neville has a new wand. More importantly, Luna enquires as to whether the DA will be continuing this year, and Harry dismisses the very possibility on the grounds that Umbridge has GTFO'd. Both Neville and Luna are pissed off; Neville because he learned lots, and Luna because it was the closest thing she's ever had to friendship. Harry is such a stupid fuckhead, and this book is by far the worst for it. He's just so arrogant and obnoxious and unfeeling and I wish I could slap him.

Luckily for Harry, he isn't required to actually talk to Luna and Neville about the DA or consider the possibility of starting it up again or anything, because JKR chooses this moment to introduce a new non-player character, Romilda Vane. She fancies Harry, pretty much. Over the course of the book we'll learn that she is aggressive, and kind of conceited, and that she wants on to the Gryffindor quidditch team in order to get close to Harry, and so on and so forth. She sounds kind of annoying and pushy, but she also sounds spookily similar to Ginny Weasley, even down to the slightly square jaw. I suppose now that the series is over and we know that Harry and Ginny are ~*soulmates*~ this is neither here nor there, but it does make me wonder if the only reason Ginny is so great and Romilda so awful is essentially proximity (like how, for want of a better example, four of the six principal characters in Friends wound up with each other, essentially because they were all already there, and fuck the fact that so many people found that whole thing creepy and incestuous instead of romantic).

Romilda, then, invites Harry to come and sit with her instead of his friends, and he turns her down, explaining to them after she's gone that he thinks they are cool. When JKR was asked about this here, she explained in her inimitable mother-knows-best way that this scene was to show how Harry is all mature and grown-up compared to the year before, when he's embarrassed to be sitting with them when Cho shows up. Right, so, I would disagree utterly; for a start, the situation isn't really comparable because when it happened before he was covered in sticky, gunky sap, and faced with the girl he fancied, which in most 15-year-olds will induce embarrassment regardless of the situation. He probably had an erection at the time as well, and a bunch of zits on his chin, and a wispy semi-moustache on his upper lip.

OK, so perhaps that's a nitpicky point, but it goes deeper too - as so often happens, JKR tells us outright that one thing is going on, when her text implies something different. Here, the assertion that Harry is much more mature than in the past is undermined by his actions, as he firstly changes the subject when Neville attempts to talk about Voldemort, then ignores Neville as he talks about his exam results, choosing instead to reflect on how he, Harry, is in fact way more awesome than Neville is. Specifically, he wonders about whether Neville would have been enough of a badass to handle being the subject of the prophecy, and whether Neville's own mother would have been as pure and perfect as Lily was and been able to sacrifice herself for him. I hate this; to me, it shows that Harry really is arrogant, and moreover, this elevation of Lily to sainthood leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Anyway, Neville's mother was an auror, whose downfall came as a result of her active work against the death eaters; Lily may have been in the Order, but ultimately her sacrifice was absolutely a passive one. I don't like the implication here, that this passive, motherly sacrifice is somehow worth more than the one that Alice made.

Ugh. Anyway, moving on. Ron and Hermione put an end to this nonsense by returning from prefect duty, which seems to amount to walking around. Ron moans for a little while about how he's hungry, and then the conversation swings around, as it so often does, to Draco Malfoy. Ron is all on about how Draco isn't doing his prefect duty, like Ron gives a shit. Harry - get this - "sat up straight, interested", and immediately starts asking all kinds of questions, like what was he wearing and did he ask about me and what do you think he's thinking about right now? OK, so not quite, but I am barely needing to exaggerate here. Ron reports that all he got from Malfoy was a "rude hand gesture". Ha! I fucking love Draco Malfoy. He might be an annoying little wanker with substantial daddy issues but ultimately, in this chapter he breaks a nose and makes a rude hand gesture, so, yeah.

The text isn't clear as to which hand gesture Malfoy used, by the way, so here are some of the possibilities:


Figure 1. The Finger

The Finger, demonstrated here by Johnny Cash, can be taken to mean "fuck you" or variants thereof. The middle finger is raised while the rest of the hand is made into a fist, and the hand is held with the palm facing out. Particularly imaginative and/or immature practitioners may choose to "inflate" the finger gradually by pretending to blow into the thumb, or mime the use of a pulley to bring the finger to attention. The likelihood that these variations were used is unknown.


Figure 2. V-sign

The V-Sign, not to be confused with the one that hippies and weeaboos do, is a peculiarly British version of The Finger. Fun facts: George Bush Sr once mistakenly gave it to a group of protesting farmers in Canberra. It can be coupled with the phrase "Up yours" for added emphasis. It has a certain punk rock quality. Legends tracing it to the Battle of Agincourt appear to be bullshit.


Figure 3. Wanker

Here, the fist is closed around an imaginary penis and moved back and forth to suggest the act of male masturbation. It is somewhat less aggressive and more pitying than other gestures, carrying with it an air of dismissal.


Figure 4. Italian chin-strokey thing

This gesture, demonstrated here by the sociologist Piero Sraffa, is... well, you can just read what it says there. It conveys insult, anyway.

It's unlikely that this was the rude gesture Malfoy used, but I'm including it as a sort of outside possibility (hell, you never know, maybe he learned it off Blaise Zabini, that sounds Italian to me). I wanted to illustrate this one with a picture of Tony Soprano but my dad, who is a Sopranos fanboy, says Tony probably wouldn't know the gesture, and would be more likely to just shoot someone's knee off or beat the crap out of them and then go and tell Dr Melfi that he had coffee with them. (Speaking of the Sopranos, I recently realised that I massively missed a trick when I uberwanked The Silver Doe last year in that I utterly failed to draw any parallels with the Sopranos episode Pine Barrens. Can we just pretend that I said something about Harry creating a makeshift shoe out of carpet and then hitting it with a bullet hex while screaming "mother FUCKER" or something?)

So, where were we? Oh yes, Malfoy and Harry up a tree etc etc. Harry is about to begin waxing lyrical on his favourite subject again when a breathless child turns up at the door with a scroll addressed to Harry, which turns out to be an invitation to lunch with Slughorn, the Angry Bob lookalike we met back in chapter 4. Neville's got one too (an invitation, not an Angry Bob lookalike), and in the absence of anything better to do, they decide to go.

As they head for compartment C, where this knees-up will be taking place, they pass a variety of Harry fangirls and fanboys, all of whom are annoying. The only person who doesn't fangirl Harry is Cho Chang, his ex, who hides as she sees him coming. In her compartment, she studiously talks about something else to her friend Marietta, who you may remember from an hilarious episode wherein Hermione cursed her with terrible acne. Marietta still has the acne. She's covered it with makeup but you can see it anyway. Harry - the boy who lived, the chosen one, saviour of the wizarding world, smirks at her. What a vindictive bastard he is. Yes yes, Marietta sold out the DA and whatever, but as we learned only a few paragraphs ago, Harry couldn't even give a shit about the DA. He doesn't bother to reform it, only Neville and Luna help out when the death eaters attack Hogwarts at the end of this book, and Harry's pretty damn lucky so many of them show up next year for the final battle - and that's mostly down to Neville's own efforts anyway.

Later in this chapter, Pansy Parkinson will "smirk" repeatedly, as will Draco Malfoy, so clearly JKR gets that smirking is the work of a wanker.

After all this crap, they reach compartment C, where Slughorn is still fat. Also in the compartment we have Blaise Zabini, who until this point could have been anyone but as it happens is black and a boy. (Blaise Zabini is the Schrödinger's Cat of fanon, y/y?) Also there are a couple of random seventh years, and Ginny also gets to be there, because Slughorn saw her doing her famous speshul bat-bogey hex. Presumably this is, again, to show us how great Ginny is and why she's such a great match for Harry and stuff like that, but quite frankly the bat-bogey hex is no match for the H/D UST this book is so generously laced with. She may also be there to disabuse us of the notion that Slughorn is a boy-oriented kiddy fiddler, but, again, no. Poor Ginny: so often the drop of milkshake in an ocean of piss.

Slughorn introduces everyone to everyone else. Here's a fun quote: "Zabini did not make any sign of recognition or greeting, and nor did Harry or Neville: Gryffindor and Slytherin students loathed each other on principle". Well, that's mature. I'd expect that kind of behaviour from Harry, but Neville? I'm disappointed in you.

Slughorn spends some time interviewing each student present. We learn that Blaise Zabini's mother has gone through a succession of rich husbands, which means that, yes, JKR has just stooped to the level of showing how bad a character is by calling his mum a slag. Meanwhile, some guy named Belby is the nephew of some other guy who invented a potion, and Cormac McLaggen - an irritating turd of a rugger-bugger who we will, unfortunately, be hearing more from later in the book - has been hunting with the current minister for magic. Ginny is the only one there without these kinds of connections - as I noted above, she's there because Slughorn saw her doing her stupid trademark bat-bogey hex and invited her in more or less on the spur of the moment, because the hex is just that awesome. And that's one of the things that - in my view - shows how much of a Mary Sue she is; we don't see her being powerful of her own accord, and it's explicitly stated that she doesn't have any of the fancy connections of any of the other guests, yet we are asked to believe that she is special nevertheless, because she can do something ~*unique*~. This special unique thing is never used for anything, well, useful; it's a gimmick. How awesome can something called a bat-bogey hex be, anyway? It sounds, at best, ridiculously childish.

[Hoary Goth of a Beta's Note: personally, my favourite image of the bat-bogey hex and its effects are that it literally transmutes all of a person's snot into large bats which burst forth from the victim's sinuses, taking most of the front of their face with them. Hilarious as well as vicious, just like a Weasley ought to be.]

Anyway, this goes on for a few more tedious, mind-numbing pages, before finally Slughorn releases his new little friends back to their compartments to change into their robes. (Whether he's got cameras in the compartments so he can watch them changing is left to the imagination, but he totally has.) There's an interesting bit on page 141: "As he pushed past Harry into the darkening corridor, Zabini shot him a filthy look that Harry returned with interest". Harry's eyes follow Zabini down the corridor even once Ginny starts talking about her fucking stupid bat hex thing. Now, where I'm from this is called cruising and is generally a precursor to handjobs in a public toilet. Just something to bear in mind.

Then Harry has what is described as a potentially wonderful idea; knowing as I do that JKR doesn't write explicit gay sex, I have an inkling that this is going to end in tears. His idea is this: he will put on his invisibility cloak, sneak into the Slytherin compartment, and listen in on everything Draco Malfoy says, just in case any of it is "That Harry Potter's got good-looking and considerable taller over the summer, hasn't he?"

So off he goes. As Blaise re-enters the compartment, Harry sticks his foot in the door, then pushes his way in as Blaise fails to close the door, and leaps into the luggage rack. His invisibility cloak, as it turns out, is a cloak, and therefore there's a moment where his shoe is visible, and Malfoy totally sees it, but we're not meant to know that yet, but I guess I should mention it now because when he mentions it later I'll be writing porn!

So, anyway, Harry settles himself into the luggage rack, and there he is, in the Slytherin compartment!

(Just as a side note here, I don't know if anyone is familiar with the Adult Swim show Space Ghost Coast To Coast, but if you are - it occurs to me that the Slytherins here can be represented easily by the Council of Doom.


L-R: Blaise, Crabbe, Pansy, Goyle and Draco

Anyway.)

Harry takes in the scene. Pansy is all over Malfoy, stroking his hair (my hands feel sticky just thinking about it) and that sort of thing, as if he isn't gay. He isn't gay, of course, because he eventually gets married. To a girl called Astoria. Which is also the name of the venue where the club night G-A-Y is held. Look, m'just sayin'. So, yeah, anyway, it looks as if he's got some sort of thing going on with Pansy. "Pansy" as in "gay man", presumably.

God, this chapter has got to be one of the gayest in the entire series. I really like it. I'm massively enjoying myself right now.

Meanwhile, Blaise is giving his homies a rundown of what went down in Slughorn's compartment, and who was there, Malfoy is scandalised to learn that Ginny was there, asking what's so special about her; and Pansy tells him (i.e. us) that lots of boys like her. Also, Blaise thinks she's attractive. This is like being smacked round the head with the "Ginny rules" hammer. I en't convinced. Blaise, though, points out that she's a filthy blood traitor or whatever and therefore he wouldn't go near her with his worst enemy's cock. I wish I cared about this slur on Ginny, but I don't. Sorry.

So yeah, Malfoy starts acting like he's the fucking don and going on about how he might even leave school early to become an official death eater or some shit. Pansy is all impressed, and she says, "Do you mean - Him?", capitalised like that, by which I guess she means Voldemort, but it makes me laugh because let's be honest, your first thought is Jesus, isn't it? The idea that Draco Malfoy might be boasting about leaving school early to become some kind of evangelical Christian or something is just so nonsensical that I don't know what to do with it. (Although, oddly, I can quite easily picture him as a televangelist, but maybe that's more because you know he would look excellent in white, rhinestone-covered cowboy boots, and also because those guys are always being caught sucking rentboys off.) And then your next thought is Him, the band whose logo is a pentagram that is also a heart, which makes me puke; and then the next thought after that is Him from The Powerpuff Girls, a bright red, high-voiced, lobster-clawed evil creature who, uh, does aerobics. And works in a diner. Anyway, where were we? Oh yeah, Draco Malfoy is kind of a dick. He hints around how he's been given a task by Voldemort and how awesome this makes him - and I guess if I were so inclined I might want to go into how it's interesting that he's as arrogant and up-himself around his closest friends as he is towards Harry et al, and also how it's interesting that inside he's real sad and scared, but honestly, as I write this part I am horrendously hung over and you have no idea how badly I need a coffee right now, so whatever.

This goes on until Hogwarts comes into view out of the train window (raising the question of how it couldn't be seen out of the train window in the first book, but I don't actually care about the answer) and they all start pulling their robes on. As Goyle gets his trunk out of the luggage rack (question: how big and heavy are these trunks, anyway?) he hits Harry with it, and Harry isn't able to dodge the trunk because he's too busy staring at Malfoy. So, just to reiterate, Harry has hidden in Malfoy's train compartment to listen to him talk, and is now watching him dress. For those who don't ship Harry/Draco, just for the record, it's stuff like this that does it.

So now, the train has stopped and its passengers begin to disembark. Pansy, fag-hag extraordinaire, extends her hand to Draco, but he rejects her and she GTFOs, leaving him and Harry finally alone together in the compartment. And with perfect timing, my iTunes starts playing - well, I am more than a little embarrassed about this but it was Tonight from West Side Story, OK - and man, I am LOLing so hard right now. If this entire chapter had been a buildup to a musical number, well, that would have been pretty damn epic.

Instead, though, Draco, who totes knew Harry was there all along! - hits Harry up with a Petrificus Totalus; Harry, paralysed and with the invisibility cloak trapped underneath him, falls to the ground, where he is treated to a short speech about how Draco totally sees what he did there. Now, I originally had this whole plan to segue off into a hardcore blowjob scene here; actually writing it has been fail several times over, but I guess I may as well give you a general outline of how that might have gone, in the hands of a better writer. So, I guess, Draco would start by standing over Harry for a little while, detailing exactly how much Harry pisses him off and how long he's been waiting for this moment and how Harry is going to get what's coming to him and so on. Harry is, of course, still paralysed by the curse, although in my head (if not canon) he's fairly certain he could throw it off if he wanted to, but he doesn't yet because if he did then he's be able to just get up and walk away, and he didn't just spend five-odd years locked in cold war with Draco Malfoy just to walk away when a situation like this arises, as it were. Although he is concerned that it's a trap of some kind, and then remembers that he's frozen on the floor of a train compartment with his arch-nemesis looming over him, so it's a bit late to be worrying about traps. And then he has to remind himself that he's got nothing to hide anyway. Really.

By the time Harry has gone through all this in his head, I reckon Draco has thrown off the robes he was putting on just a minute ago, and is kneeling straddling Harry's chest. I guess he's still talking about how long he's been waiting for this opportunity and stuff like that. Also he would be asking lots of rhetorical questions, like, "I suppose you've been wanting this too, haven't you, Potter?" and so on, which of course Harry can't answer. Oh, and he's stroking Harry's face with a fingertip as he says this. Then his thumb grazes Harry's bottom lip and then hooks into his mouth, pulling his lip down, and his other hand is fumbling with the fastening on his own trousers. This, I guess, would be the point where Harry realises - with a massive jolt - that despite the curse he's under and the fear he is experiencing (although he's a Gryffindor, so what he's feeling is as much anticipation as it is terror), he is rock hard. He tells himself it's because his pulse is racing and all that blood has to go somewhere and, anyway, it's involuntary - when the DA learned this curse, he remembers telling them that involuntary muscle movement isn't affected, because if is was then your heart and lungs would stop working. Still, that doesn't explain why the throbbing in his cock seems to increase threefold when Draco pulls his own dick out, rubs it on Harry's lips and then shoves it roughly between them. Many of you will have a good idea of the mechanics of what goes on now, but I would wager that perhaps Draco has to grab Harry's head and pull him up to get the angle right and that sort of thing. And it would probably make sense if he reached behind him and stroked Harry roughly and inexpertly through his trousers.

As this is porn, by the way, the issue of the train leaving for London again is a nonexistent one. Let's just assume the buffet car is being restocked or something and they have a while to get this done. And this paragraph is a good indicator of why I don't normally write porn...

So! This goes on a while before, I guess, Harry tenses up as far as he can and comes really hard, kind of beyond arguing with himself at this point, and Draco pulls out and - because, no matter how much I reckon Harry is loving this, there is definitely a mild humiliation/domination thing in it for Draco - comes all over Harry's face. I guess some of it would still go in his mouth, though; this would be porn, after all. Then he stands up, tidies his clothes and so on, carefully puts his robes and cloak back on, makes a cutting and typically Malfoyish remark about how it's only gay if balls are touching, Potter, and fucks off, leaving Harry on the floor, still paralysed and covered in jizz.

But, of course, I don't really write smut - and if I did I'd probably be quite wary of writing anything so explicit and involving such dubious consent issues (although as we all know, Harry was blatantly loving that). So I guess I should just go into what actually happens, which is that Draco skips straight to the part where he stamps on Harry's face, breaking his nose. And, actually, if we weren't going to get a hardcore blowjob scene here, this is still pretty fucking satisfying, especially as Draco says "That's from my father" - ha! Harry has had this, or something like it, coming for several books. And what with Draco being a Slytherin and all, he concludes by covering Harry with the invisibility cloak, stepping on his fingers, and getting. The fuck. Out.

And then heading straight to the toilets for a massive, massive wank.

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